In the past I have been VERY uncomfortable with the unknown, and change. I'm not talking slightly or even disturbingly uncomfortable. It’s more the discomfort that comes from doing far too much physical activity in one day, and later on you are unmistakably discontent with the state of your body. It aches and is sore. There are shooting pains that twist your face around when you’re trying to climb stars, or sometimes even pick up your book bag. All that to say that change and the confusion that seems to make me think my life is out of my control, were definitely NOT my friends. Admittedly I’ve been a control freak about a few things in life. (ie: making my bed, class notes, and at times even my CD collection) All of these things matter the most when I don’t think that I have a grasp on what is happening in life, or what direction it is taking.
I realized this week that I have NO IDEA what is going on in my life/future. I don’t know where I will be after May 17th, I have no idea if I will make it into graduate school, I don’t know if I will be single or in a relationship 2 weeks from now, and I don’t have any idea what God is trying to do in my life. God always has something going on, so I know that there is always an element of His plan within my own (mostly because he knows me well enough to know that I’ll just make plans then ask Him about them later, or at least that’s me pattern) But in spite of all of the uncertainty, complications and change, I’m not going OCD on how I’m making my bed, or how I arrange my books; my room isn’t even remotely clean. I guess all of this is to say that even when the control that I thought I had on my life is basically non-existent at the moment, I am still at peace. Now for me, THIS is a peace that passes all of my understanding. At any other point in time in my life, I would undoubtedly be FREAKING OUT. Maybe I can chalk it up to being sleep deprived, or senior-itus, or maybe even the lack of crazy hormones from dorm food; but the fact still remains that God is doing something and this time around I’m willing to sit back and see where things go.
One thing that I have been being taught lately is that God’s plan is far better and more satisfying than any plan that I could muster. Even the most outlandish fairytale that my dreams can produce is pale in comparison with the promises that God has given His children, His Bride. Does this stop me from planning… anyone who knows me at all would chuckle at the idea of me NOT planning out something or another. I am learning to be still and watch what God has in store. It’s almost like the Mary Poppins bag that keeps yielding things that you would never imagine a bag that size to yield. Wait on the Lord and He will renew your strength. This season, I need so desperately to, and am learning how to wait.
So how can I go from wanting changes to waiting? I see these things as compatible in one way. When we wait, God changes things, and when God changes things bigger things are moved than if I alone were to attempt to move a mountain.
Wait, watch, listen.
Anticipate the change that comes when God is in involved.