A few things in life has lead me to be writing about this topic, but for now let’s skip the reasons and go straight to the heart of the matter; The importance of community within our lives.
In my life I have met a few “Lone Ranger”, “Casanova” types who profess to need no one for anything and claim that they are completely self-reliant. Well, I don’t believe it. Knowing from personal experiences, personal observations, repeated/documented case after case of psychological un-health due to loneliness, not to mention the countless media attempts to explain and describe the natural human desire for companionship there is an inherent need that we all have for the presence of other people.
As an RA we are told that the community is the most important thing that we can create on our individual floors. In Church we hear about how encouraging it is that we live in a “body” or community of believers. In families we hear that no matter what happens, we’re still family. In schools there are small communities of people (sometimes not all that healthy) called cliques. Starbucks even has a company mission statement to build relationships between the Baristas and the customers. So, what is it about community, about relationships with other people that make Community such a universal goal? Why is it so important that we live, work, love, play among people; among other humans that deeply desire the presence of others?
I have been reading a book recently, one that I highly recommend, that has several personal stories about what the author, Don Miller, experiences in his life that have lead him to a faith in Christ. [The book is named “Blue like Jazz” if you’re interested.] Even outside of the context of the larger message of the book, there is a section about community. He talks about a time in his life where he was living outside the city with a friend of his. His friend was rarely around because he had a girlfriend that lived on the other side of the city. Don spent most of his time alone. He goes into how he began to make up conversations with imaginary people, even to go so far as to imagine that Emily Dickenson was alive and living in his apartment with him. After this story Don goes into why he thinks his hallucinations happened.
In Genesis, God created woman because “it is not good for man to be alone.” Obviously this is not the ONLY reason the women was created, but there is a fundamental need for all people to have other people. So, in a purely biblical take on the topic, it’s clear. It is not good for man(humans) to be alone, therefore God created others for our companionship.
In prison, one of the most severe punishments is solitary confinement. Now I might have my incarcerated-persons profile a bit off here, but it seems to me that the folks that are in prison are most likely the “Lone Ranger” go-it-alone types. So, if it would follow that these type of people really do not need the companionship of others, why would solitary confinement be any punishment at all? Wouldn’t it just be a vacation for them?
In Hollywood, Tom Hanks befriended a volleyball due to the lack of human companionship. I dare you to count the number of romantic flicks there are, or how many man-goes-crazy-in-space-from-isolation movies there are… okay maybe that’s mostly on the outer limits shows, but still! Why is that such a captivating and stressful situation if humans could survive completely alone?
Countless men and women remain in abusive relationships out of fear of loneliness, or abandonment. They stay because the possibility of being alone is worse than the reality of their abuse. If it hurts, at least they know they are alive.
People fear being alone. It’s apparent all around. Advertisements will more often than not have several people enjoying the product rather than just one. Tables in food courts are set up with two or more chairs. Airplanes seat you less than the “comfortable public distance” away from two complete strangers. Park benches are designed for more than one butt. Apartments are all clumped together as if you were living in a bee hive. You go to your local, community grocery store. It’s likely that you know the name of at least one of your bank tellers. Even in a society that professes to thrive on individualism and solidarity, the overtones of community and companionship are everywhere.
Yeah, yeah, we get it… right? So why do I bring this up if it’s seems so apparent that people NEED people?
Why do people still believe that they are an island? Why are there Casanovas? – no this is not a ploy for communism or anything like that – this is a simple observation that despite our grave desire to be around people, there is a wall, a boundary keeping us from what it is that we desire most.
Now I feel that I need to clarify, that this desire is for people and companionship in general, to be known by a group of people. There are other desires for romantic and spiritual connections as well; both equally important (spiritual might be more important, but that’s another blog in itself) but what I am referring to is how we interact with others at large.
We learn from people. It’s said that up to 80% of who we are is learned from those we are around between the time of birth until we are dead. Why is it that the school cliques look the same, talk the same, use the same verbal patterns, gesture similarly, laugh at the same jokes, and everything else that makes them a clique? We learn our behavior from those around us. This is why parents and guardians are so concerned with who their child is gallivanting about with. The influences in our lives are pivotal to our personal and social development.
If it’s true that the full 80% of our personalities and values are learned from those around us, the other 20% is what we are left with in solitary confinement, or on the beach with the volleyball. Now I’m a bit rusty on my rehabilitation theory, but from what I can recall, when people have been alone for long periods of time, there is a process of re-socialization that must occur before they can fully operate in the busy world that we live in. The length of re-socialization therapy is adjusted depending on the length of time that they were isolated. In some cases people are hallucinogenic at the time of their re-entry into society and may become violent, or paranoid, or any other variation of traumatic mental instability.
Ok, so that is the worst case scenario. You are isolated and become diagnoseably crazy from the experience. Fortunately, these are rare cases. Unfortunately, there are many people that live in isolation that are not diagnosable as crazy, but who still suffer the debilitating effects of loneliness. Depression, lethargy, crankiness, in some cases eating disorders, social anxiety, even divergent personality disorders.
It is my opinion that isolationistic tendencies are only re-enforced by the society that we life in. Despite the community nature of many things in this culture, there is so much lip-service to individualism that those who desire companionship believe that they are also admitting a weakness by calling out for it. The “do it yourself,” “God helps them who help themselves” “pull yourself up by your own bootstraps” cliché party lines become the theme for further isolation of those who need community the most. The power of these words forces the shy, depressed and socially awkward further away from the society that they so wholly desire to interact with.
Unfortunately, the flip side to the party line is that those that are involved with the community seem to feel a barrier keeping them from reaching out to those that are watching community happen without them. The individualism line says that it’s offensive to offer help to those that want to do it alone. And because those that are alone can’t ask for help because it’s a sign of weakness, they don’t ask for help, to be brought into a group, to say that they are lonely. And because they don’t ask/tell, it’s assumed that they want it that way. Therefore, those in community leave them to their isolation.
Now I must comment that sometimes the lack of out-reach is not merely due to a lack of an out-cry, but sadly in many cases it’s because reaching out quite frankly, is uncomfortable. People get their 80% all figured out, and they don’t want it to change, so they stay in their comfort-zones surrounded by all the same people, doing all the same things, singing all the same songs, wearing all the same clothes… this is the point that cliques become unhealthy.
All in all, there is a cycle happening in this society. This cycle keeps the in-crowd in, and the out-crowd out. It encourages the formation of cliques, sects, exclusive groups and elitist clubs. There are ways to break the cycle, but it means one of two things. 1) an in-crowd person reaching to the outside and rocking the boat. Or 2) someone outside calling out for help, with the chance that those on the inside won’t respond out of fear. (this branches into the topic of fear of rejection that is even more convoluted and skews the lines of individualism vs. community… so I won’t go there now.)
It’s really a terrible plight. And there is not much that I personally can do about it, besides talk about it to bring awareness to the situation, and make sure that I’m reaching out to as many people as I can. But in reality, the power rests in the hands of those who think they have none, those on the fritz due to loneliness and depression. Step up, join something, put yourself out there.
I’m calling you out!
Come/go out, and do something with some people. Find something that you’re passionate about, then start doing it. You’ll find others who are passionate about it too. And then, you’ve found a community. Plug in, get connected, and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
You have more to gain from humility, but more to lose from pride.
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
A thought about forgiveness.
it seems that each of us have someone to forgive in life. it may be a significant other, it may be a parent it might be a friend or even a stranger. But the thing that i have been pondering for months now, is when is it justified to not forgive someone?
would it be alright to not forgive someone if they themselves were not sorry about the hurtful comment or actions? well, lets first ask why are these people not sorry (repentant if you will)?
is it because they are malicious and intended to harm you? in this case it makes sense to me that your unforgiveness and eventual hatred of this person was the goal of the interaction. in some sick way, the person who tried to harm you is rewarded by being given so much power over you that you would continue to brew on the topic after the harmful event is long over. [now it is understandable that in extreme situations such as assault or other forms of victimization, there are situations where forgiveness is not as easy as i am suggesting. in these situations the forgiver must have another means of help to allow for the forgiveness of their assailant. - but more on this later] Therefore, if the intention of the incident was to breed continued contempt within your heart, by not forgiving... they still win. they hurt you and are continuing to hurt your future. - more on the state of an unforgiving person later -
Now if the incident that caused you harm was unknown to the one who caused it, then unforgiveness in this situation is also unacceptable. If the assailant has no opportunity to feel remorse about their actions they are being held accountable for things they are unaware of. This is not to say that people should not be held accountable for their actions, but rather that people should be informed of the affects of their actions such that they have the chance to alter future interactions with other human beings. Therefore if you are unwilling (or unable) to tell this person what the affects of their actions were, and you are also unwilling to forgive them for their lack of repentance. here lies a catch 22. they cannot be sorry for something they do not know about. and if the unforgiving is unwilling to share the harm done, the situation will not be given the appropriate illumination for the ignorant assailant to be sorry.
Now for the unforgiving person. it seems to me that when i have been in a place on unforgiveness that the bitterness and harbored agitation that is supposedly focused on this one person over this one issue becomes an increased agitation over all other areas of my life. for instance, say that i'm upset at someone that mugged me and took all my stuff. in being angry with that person, i them become agitated that some person cut into my lane a bit closer to my car than i would have preferred. or that a punk kid cut in line at the movie snack counter. or perhaps that my significant other can't help but leave their wet towel in the middle of the floor which you pick up and then walk around on the wet-spot all day while washing their dirty cloths. (that doesn't sound familiar, does it?) I believe that the state of the unforgiving person is really a state of masochism, of self mutilation of your own soul. only you have the power to let things go, and free yourself from being so bogged down with your own anger and preoccupation about other people's actions. by not forgiving others you impair your ability to forgive even yourself. and in a world where there has only been one perfect creature (Jesus Christ) the thought of not being able to forgive yourself for not being everything you expect from yourself is paralyzing! you are angry at every one else for not living up to your standards of how other human beings should live alongside one another. but deep down you are infuriated with yourself because you fail your own standards every day. you didn't get up early enough, you didn't make it to the gym, you had too many sodas, you didn't have time to make a better dinner, you don't know what's going on in your kid's life, you didn't show kindness to the store clerk.... the list could go on forever!
the funny thing is that while raising our standards to that of Christ by fully submitting and following HIM, we are actually liberating ourselves from our own failed standards. Now i know, why would making our standards higher make us any less of a failure? well, honestly, it doesn't. but God is a Gracious God. His Grace is Sufficient for all who choose to accept it. Accepting Grace is a hard thing for people. especially those of us who expect so much from ourselves and those around us. or maybe there has been so many harbored emotions of doubt and disappointment in others, you have no standard for them... only that they will let you down. and admittedly, someone somewhere will always let you down. that's why the prospect of having someone so dependable and reliable that He will NEVER fail you so unbelievable. but there is someone, but not just a someone, your creator. someone who knows how terrible you think you are, and how terrible you really are, but also how incredible, how compassionate, how loving, how inspired you are to be dependable, reliable, loving, caring, and all of those things that we try to express through working hard to provide for your family, of being involved with community activities. He knows the best and the worst... and you know what.... he still wants to call you HIS, he's proud of you. he longs for you to be free from the burdens of unforgiveness. free to love yourself enough to really love others. but most of all, to not be ashamed to love, and associate with perfection; Christ.
would it be alright to not forgive someone if they themselves were not sorry about the hurtful comment or actions? well, lets first ask why are these people not sorry (repentant if you will)?
is it because they are malicious and intended to harm you? in this case it makes sense to me that your unforgiveness and eventual hatred of this person was the goal of the interaction. in some sick way, the person who tried to harm you is rewarded by being given so much power over you that you would continue to brew on the topic after the harmful event is long over. [now it is understandable that in extreme situations such as assault or other forms of victimization, there are situations where forgiveness is not as easy as i am suggesting. in these situations the forgiver must have another means of help to allow for the forgiveness of their assailant. - but more on this later] Therefore, if the intention of the incident was to breed continued contempt within your heart, by not forgiving... they still win. they hurt you and are continuing to hurt your future. - more on the state of an unforgiving person later -
Now if the incident that caused you harm was unknown to the one who caused it, then unforgiveness in this situation is also unacceptable. If the assailant has no opportunity to feel remorse about their actions they are being held accountable for things they are unaware of. This is not to say that people should not be held accountable for their actions, but rather that people should be informed of the affects of their actions such that they have the chance to alter future interactions with other human beings. Therefore if you are unwilling (or unable) to tell this person what the affects of their actions were, and you are also unwilling to forgive them for their lack of repentance. here lies a catch 22. they cannot be sorry for something they do not know about. and if the unforgiving is unwilling to share the harm done, the situation will not be given the appropriate illumination for the ignorant assailant to be sorry.
Now for the unforgiving person. it seems to me that when i have been in a place on unforgiveness that the bitterness and harbored agitation that is supposedly focused on this one person over this one issue becomes an increased agitation over all other areas of my life. for instance, say that i'm upset at someone that mugged me and took all my stuff. in being angry with that person, i them become agitated that some person cut into my lane a bit closer to my car than i would have preferred. or that a punk kid cut in line at the movie snack counter. or perhaps that my significant other can't help but leave their wet towel in the middle of the floor which you pick up and then walk around on the wet-spot all day while washing their dirty cloths. (that doesn't sound familiar, does it?) I believe that the state of the unforgiving person is really a state of masochism, of self mutilation of your own soul. only you have the power to let things go, and free yourself from being so bogged down with your own anger and preoccupation about other people's actions. by not forgiving others you impair your ability to forgive even yourself. and in a world where there has only been one perfect creature (Jesus Christ) the thought of not being able to forgive yourself for not being everything you expect from yourself is paralyzing! you are angry at every one else for not living up to your standards of how other human beings should live alongside one another. but deep down you are infuriated with yourself because you fail your own standards every day. you didn't get up early enough, you didn't make it to the gym, you had too many sodas, you didn't have time to make a better dinner, you don't know what's going on in your kid's life, you didn't show kindness to the store clerk.... the list could go on forever!
the funny thing is that while raising our standards to that of Christ by fully submitting and following HIM, we are actually liberating ourselves from our own failed standards. Now i know, why would making our standards higher make us any less of a failure? well, honestly, it doesn't. but God is a Gracious God. His Grace is Sufficient for all who choose to accept it. Accepting Grace is a hard thing for people. especially those of us who expect so much from ourselves and those around us. or maybe there has been so many harbored emotions of doubt and disappointment in others, you have no standard for them... only that they will let you down. and admittedly, someone somewhere will always let you down. that's why the prospect of having someone so dependable and reliable that He will NEVER fail you so unbelievable. but there is someone, but not just a someone, your creator. someone who knows how terrible you think you are, and how terrible you really are, but also how incredible, how compassionate, how loving, how inspired you are to be dependable, reliable, loving, caring, and all of those things that we try to express through working hard to provide for your family, of being involved with community activities. He knows the best and the worst... and you know what.... he still wants to call you HIS, he's proud of you. he longs for you to be free from the burdens of unforgiveness. free to love yourself enough to really love others. but most of all, to not be ashamed to love, and associate with perfection; Christ.
Friday, May 4, 2007
Thoughts and Ponderings
I know that God has been telling me this past week that the things that I am dealing with are between me and God alone. And so there is an automatic detachment to what is being said, but the things that are floating around are not wholly off either. Job 18: 2&3 come to mind. But I’m not sure if I need to be silent and listen or if it is that others need to stop their chatter… I’m not sure yet.
The other thing that comes to mind is Job 19 1-10. I feel that God has broken me, and in my brokenness I am continually judged and nit-picked. Granted this may just be the timing of the feedback requested of letters from months ago. But either way, my issues are with God alone.
As far as the other portions of these responses, Job 13:2-3. I know these things and it frightens me as well. It’s not that I am blindly perusing things with ignorance of what I am capable of. I have been burned, and in some disgusting way I have inherited some of the traits that were so harmful to me. I DON’T know why! I hate it. I need to be given the forgiveness by God and the grace of my fellow believers to understand that I AM broken. I have been in a place of Job 15:11-13, not even so far ago! But I have been broken, my life my plans have been taken from me. Job 16:7 “Surely, O God, you have worn me out; you have devastated my entire household. 8 You have bound me—and it has become a witness; my gauntness rises up and testifies against me.” So my past betrays me, I am bound to my weakness. To be humbled by the sins of my past. I know that I am nothing without the grace that is sufficient for me. 2 Corinthians 12:9. However, even in that grace I am still wanting. I am as in Job 15: 14-16, I am still wicked and in need of a savior. (I can address individual concerns/fights if need be)
So yes. I know that I’m terrible. I know that I’m lacking in the Faith Department but who are men to judge my heart? What can they see that I do not show them? Besides what God Himself has shown to them, they see only what I give up. In my brokenness I feel that I have been open, bare, helpless laying huddled in the corner while I’m being told I’m not good… I KNOW I’m not good. No one is good in their own right. The powers of this world have taken it by force, and well we live here, we are NOT islands we are NOT invincible! I too am not “good” according to the Word. but Job 16:19-21
I want to use Job 15:4, but where? Somewhat in conjunction with Job 16:2-5. Still I don’t know how it is meant to be used, because there is not need to rebuke the air. It would be a Job 15:3.
The other thing that comes to mind is Job 19 1-10. I feel that God has broken me, and in my brokenness I am continually judged and nit-picked. Granted this may just be the timing of the feedback requested of letters from months ago. But either way, my issues are with God alone.
As far as the other portions of these responses, Job 13:2-3. I know these things and it frightens me as well. It’s not that I am blindly perusing things with ignorance of what I am capable of. I have been burned, and in some disgusting way I have inherited some of the traits that were so harmful to me. I DON’T know why! I hate it. I need to be given the forgiveness by God and the grace of my fellow believers to understand that I AM broken. I have been in a place of Job 15:11-13, not even so far ago! But I have been broken, my life my plans have been taken from me. Job 16:7 “Surely, O God, you have worn me out; you have devastated my entire household. 8 You have bound me—and it has become a witness; my gauntness rises up and testifies against me.” So my past betrays me, I am bound to my weakness. To be humbled by the sins of my past. I know that I am nothing without the grace that is sufficient for me. 2 Corinthians 12:9. However, even in that grace I am still wanting. I am as in Job 15: 14-16, I am still wicked and in need of a savior. (I can address individual concerns/fights if need be)
So yes. I know that I’m terrible. I know that I’m lacking in the Faith Department but who are men to judge my heart? What can they see that I do not show them? Besides what God Himself has shown to them, they see only what I give up. In my brokenness I feel that I have been open, bare, helpless laying huddled in the corner while I’m being told I’m not good… I KNOW I’m not good. No one is good in their own right. The powers of this world have taken it by force, and well we live here, we are NOT islands we are NOT invincible! I too am not “good” according to the Word. but Job 16:19-21
I want to use Job 15:4, but where? Somewhat in conjunction with Job 16:2-5. Still I don’t know how it is meant to be used, because there is not need to rebuke the air. It would be a Job 15:3.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Maybe I'm a Revolutionary
So, there are some things that require slow incremental changes in order to secure a social and cultural atmosphere of acceptance to the new ideas. This is the case with political science, academic modifications to curriculum and even the shifts within the church... except a few notable moments of total upheaval and modification. And as a person who wants a change in one of these areas, when is the progress of incremental change too tedious? Say that you have a fantastic idea of how to teach a class about world politics. You want to have geography, current events, comparative politics, history and a bit of anthropological culture studies in there, but right now you only have history and comparative politics. So you have the end in mind and the people that you are working with the make the changes are not allowing big enough changes so that you can even see that there is any difference! So they add a Geography quiz requirement to the politics class, and add a book on ancient art in the history classes, but they aren't giving you the big picture. You can't say that there has been NO change, they are giving you some say and accepting a few of your prods, but when are the mediocre scraps of changes enough?!! Will it be enough, or will you fly off the deep end and create your own damn program with all the things that you want already in it.
When is the minimum to get by not going to get them by any longer?
So maybe I'm a revolutionary because little by little is good and shows progress, but how long do people need to wait before all the little baby blocks make for a good enough foundation to JUMP!
It is my theory that there should be smaller steps in the beginning, but there is a point when all of those steps will create a situation that will make the past incompatible with the baby steps that were just taken. So one can chose to return to their former comfort of the old way, or jump with both feet into something that they have seen as worth been building for themselves.
I'm tired of only getting baby steps. It's time for action, and it's time NOW.
Granted life seems to make itself the most complicated when it is time to jump, and so you just stand there. Like if you were on top of the pole and some silly ropes course... it's time to jump, but you cant just yet. You have a hand full of people back on the ground telling you that you will be fine and that you will make it, and that you need to jump. And sometimes you can't even hear them because as you stand on the brink of something so big, (or at least when I do) all those voices are good to know, but they fade away. I need to know that I'm ready and that I can make it, it's not good enough that they know I can make it... because I need to know.
So you are at the top,
Is it your time yet?
When is the minimum to get by not going to get them by any longer?
So maybe I'm a revolutionary because little by little is good and shows progress, but how long do people need to wait before all the little baby blocks make for a good enough foundation to JUMP!
It is my theory that there should be smaller steps in the beginning, but there is a point when all of those steps will create a situation that will make the past incompatible with the baby steps that were just taken. So one can chose to return to their former comfort of the old way, or jump with both feet into something that they have seen as worth been building for themselves.
I'm tired of only getting baby steps. It's time for action, and it's time NOW.
Granted life seems to make itself the most complicated when it is time to jump, and so you just stand there. Like if you were on top of the pole and some silly ropes course... it's time to jump, but you cant just yet. You have a hand full of people back on the ground telling you that you will be fine and that you will make it, and that you need to jump. And sometimes you can't even hear them because as you stand on the brink of something so big, (or at least when I do) all those voices are good to know, but they fade away. I need to know that I'm ready and that I can make it, it's not good enough that they know I can make it... because I need to know.
So you are at the top,
Is it your time yet?
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